Most nights now I sleep so well, but I still have occasional bouts with insomnia (once or twice a week) like tonight. I usually just lay in bed for and hour, two or sometimes three until I eventually fall asleep, knowing that at least I am resting. I won't allow myself sleeping pills very often, or allow myself to get up and wander into the computer to write or read as then I know I will be up and awake even longer. But tonight I woke up early, it is only 1 AM and I decided that I would get up and write a long over-due journal entry. If need be, I will take a nap (probably in church) later today.

If you have been reading Joe's journal, you know that we have been extremely busy lately with the sale of our old home, moving to the "new" one and now that that is done, me working like crazy in my studio every day but Sunday to paint for a show that will open at David Ericson Fine Art, SLC on March 28. Joe has been to MO and back to attend to his father and mother and witness his father's passing and funeral. I decided to stay here and paint. We had a wonderful visit with Joe's parents and siblings this last July at a Bennion reunion in OK that none of our girls were able to attend, so we put our finances and efforts in getting all three of them to the funeral.

My time in the studio has been wonderful. My first batch of 7 paintings are near completion and I am already casting my eyes at the next set of prepared, empty canvas. I hope to get another batch of 8 or so done during the month I have left to paint for the show. I need to reserve most of March for carving and painting the frames. I think the paintings are good, and I am hopeful about them. The most important thing is that painting hasn't felt this good in years. I passed my 3-year anniversary for my pituitary surgery for Cushing's disease in December 2007 and am amazed that I am still making progress in recovery. The improvements this year are subtler. I have lost a few more pounds, but the biggest improvement is my stamina, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I remember my Endocrinologist telling me that it would take me as long to get over Cushing's as it had for me to get sick. Since I didn't really know how long I had been sick this didn't mean much to me then, but it does now. I can look back at photos of myself back as far as 2000 and see hints of a Cushinoid face then. I know I was already having other symptoms, but just chalked them all up to being pre-menopausal and trudged on.

The first year after surgery was very hard, but by the time it had been a full year, I felt so much better that I figured I was "all better". I had lost 30 pounds, and did venture out to my studio some at about that time and I did complete a few pieces. It did go better than it had for a few years, but ultimately, it was still a lot harder and frustrating that I could take and I continued to avoid the studio most of that year (2006). That was also the year that my Mom's mental health started to seriously decline, and 2006 was one of the hardest years of my life. Way too much stress. I cried so much I should have drowned. I was far enough in my recovery to manage it, but just barely. There was nothing left to give to my studio after family. I felt physically better, but had little endurance either mentally or physically and I often felt like I was dangling from a short rope over a deep abyss.

2007 was a lot better. My Mom is not really happy except in the moment, but she has stabilized somewhat and she is safe and well cared for. I am adjusting to that. I see her often, and am still very affected by her condition, but have started to feel an itch to paint during this last year. In September I participated in the Spring City Arts organization Plein-air painting competition, something I have never done before. I wanted to support the group's efforts and thought why not try. I was surprised at how much fun I had and how well it went for me painting all day for three days in a row.  

When Dave Ericson approached me in early November 2007 about having this show in March 2008, it didn't take me too long to decided that yes, the time had come that I could work that hard and that long in my studio and produce a new body of work. It has been since June 2004 that I have been in any kind of show where I had a chunk of paintings. That was a group show or invitational of some kind at the UVSC Woodbury Gallery. I had to borrow a few pieces from collectors to round out my portion of the exhibit. I just couldn't finish enough new work. Painting was so hard then. I would go out to my studio and just sit and stare and sometimes cry for hours. I felt so stupid and unproductive. My brain felt like half set cement. I remember as I drove the show up to the gallery thinking that was the last time I would ever have a show, that I was done for as a painter. It was just too hard and I had lost what ever it was I had.

Shortly after the show opened I got a diagnosis of Cushing's and at least I knew that there was a reason for me not being able to paint without monumental frustration and effort. That was a relief of some kind, but still, I didn't know if I would be back in the art arena again or not. I just focused with what diminished brainpower I had on understanding my disease and on getting well.

In April 2006 The Salt Lake Tribune did a nice piece about me, my struggle with Cushing's and return to my studio. The writer did a great job of raising awareness for Cushing's, which is what I had hoped for. I scrambled to do some work the month or so before she came down for the interview, and it did go better than before my surgery, but it was still harder than I cared to admit. That summer is when things got really tough with my Mom. My forays to the studio after that were brief and usually to get something done that I and promised to do, and I intentionally kept that list  very short.

Of course a week after I accepted Dave's challenge and invitation to have a show (He said that I should consider having a show this year before people forget who I am), we got the offer on our home and I lost 6 weeks of my painting time to "the move". My typical day since we closed on the sale of our home is I get up between 6 and 7 AM, get a fire going in the stove here, do a little yoga and house work, get dressed in my winter chore duds, and head over to the old place to feed the horses and cats and start a fire in my studio. I then come home and do some more chores here and pack a lunch so I don't have to break to come home and get back to the studio, with three dogs in tow between 9:30 and 10:30 AM. I feed the horses again around 5 PM and most days I stay and paint until 6:30 PM when I can let Tiki out of his separate feeding pen and head home.

I have been turning down all invitations for lunch or attending meetings of any kind in the day. I haven't been on the back of a horse since late November. It's been too cold and the footing is poor for riding anyway. I did take time today (I mean yesterday - Saturday) to trim all three horses hooves. The temperature got up to 40+ degrees!  After the first horse was done, I was working in a tee shirt!

I haven't been able to go up and spend a weekday with my Mom since I started painting either. I did keep that up during "the move", but I just can't right now. Zina usually covers for me by spending a half-day with her during the week. I go up on Saturday evenings after painting all day and spend the night with her and then stay most of Sunday. This week I am not going up until Sunday afternoon as Mom has a PET brain scan at the Huntsman center in SLC Monday morning, so I will spend the night with her and get her to that appointment Monday. I need to stop by an art supply store and pick up a few items that I need on the way home.

So this is the background for this latest venture in my studio and why I say that for me the most important thing about it is that I am enjoying painting again! Yes, it is still work and I come home tired, but I feel like I can do it, and most of the time its pretty fun! I don't feel like I have hit a brick wall with in an hour after arriving at the studio. I am actually happy to go to work each day.  I didn't know if I would ever feel this way again, and I am so grateful.

Joe came over to my studio today and took these photos of paintings in progress.

Sometime this summer our friend Joan Durfey invited Joe and I over for dinner and served us among other things, Quinoa Salad ( I think it is pronounced keen-wah). I had never had it before and I loved it and asked her for the recipe. Since then I have bought a 25-pound bag of quinoa and have been using it frequently. I have played around with the basic one Joan gave me. I have taken it to the many funeral luncheons we have had in our ward over the last 6 weeks and the ladies there are all crazy about it and want the recipes too. One has a husband who is wheat intolerant, so she is very interested in Quinoa.

Quinoa is a small grain about the size of broccoli seed. You cook it pretty much like you do rice. It is a staple down in South America. It is loaded with protein, so it is a super grain to eat if you are looking to cut down your meat consumption.

 Quinoa Salad Basic Recipe
 
1 cup Quinona  uncooked 
Boil 2 cups water and boil. Add quinona and simmer with lid on, until water is absorbed and quinoa is kind of transparent. Let cool and add  the bottom ingredients and toss in dressing then refrigerate.  Last up to a week in the fridge.

1 can black beans rinsed and drained (If you cook the beans form scratch, use 3/4 cup dry beans)
about 16 oz. frozen baby corn (more or less as you like)
1 red pepper fresh chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
1/4 red onion chopped (I use more sometimes)
2T  finely chopped flat leaf Italian Parsley or cilantro
2T chopped fresh basil
1 avocado, cubed
Cherry tomatoes
If you don't have all the ingredients on hand, just used what you do have. It is good with just the beans, onions, 1 kind of pepper if that is all you have. I just get going and like to try lots of things. I have also put in cooked red lentils in it-yum! I think olives would be good in it too, but Joe doesn't like them, so I have yet to try it.

Dressing: 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
sugar to taste- I use about 1/2 cup
1/2 tsp dry mustard
ground black pepper and salt to taste
1 clove garlic chopped fine
Mix dressing in food processor or with wire whip and reserve to pour over above ingredients.  Refrigerate and serve on a bed of greens, or not. It is great just all by itself! Joe likes a dab of cottage cheese along in the bowl with his.

 Makes enough for 6 people or even a few more.

I tried this recipe this week and both Joe and I loved it.  It came from the Salt Lake Tribune, but I have made a few minor changes to it. It is easy and tastes so good on a fall evening. Joe has been trying to cut out red meat in an effort to reduce his cholesterol levels and this chili calls for ground turkey instead of beef or pork. We also had a bumper crop of butternut squash out of our garden, so I am on the lookout for any recipes using squash. This one calls for pumpkin, but my experience is that you can use most winter squashes interchangeably in recipes. I love the butternuts as they are so easy to butcher and just the right size for using up in a day or two.

Pumpkin Chili Mexicana

2 TBS vegetable oil
1 Cup Chopped onion
1 red bell pepper chopped
1 or 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
1-pound ground turkey
2 (14.5 oz) cans diced tomatoes, undrained (I use a quart of my home canned tomatoes chopped a bit)
1 (15 oz) can pumpkin- not pie filling. (I used a butternut squash that weighed about a pound that I baked, then peeled off the rind and cubed the squash.)
1 (15oz) can tomato sauce (I used my home made red sauce that I bottled in pint jars)
1 can of pinto beans, drained and rinsed (I cooked my own beans from scratch)
1 (4 oz) can of diced green chilies
1 cup of frozen corn
2 TBS chili powder
1 tsp ground cumin
Heat oil in large saucepan over medium high heat. Add onion, bell pepper, and garlic. Cook, stirring frequently for 5 to 7 minutes or until tender. Add turkey. Cook until browned.
Add tomatoes with juice, pumpkin, tomato sauce, beans, chilies, corn, and spices. Bring to a boil; reduce to low heat, cover and cook, stirring occasionally for 30 min.
Serves 6

Please click on these photos if you wish to see them enlarged.
It has been a week since Joe and I got home from a river trip we took down the Colorado River through Cataract Canyon. I have put off writing about it because we have been very busy getting caught up on fall chores around our place and also because I am still trying to get up to speed on how to build a blog entry on the new program we are using. If I were only 10 years old it would be a lot easier for me!
Back to the wonderful river trip.... Yes, it was wonderful. I think it was one of the best river trips I have ever been on The glorious fall weather was a big factor. Utah blue skies during the day, temps in the upper 70's or low 80's. No rain to speak of (just about a dozen drops fell one night). The night sky was amazing. We saw the last of a rising, waning moon the night we slept at the put in at Potash and then for the rest of the week there was no moon as it was in the dark phase and then we were in a deep canyon and missed the crescent new moon its first few nights. The stars at night were fantastic, and since it wasn't too cold in the evenings, I would stay up looking for constellations I used to know. I found quite a few by the end of the trip: The Summer Triangle, Delphinius the Dolphin, Cassiopeia, the Big Dipper, The Great Square of Pegasus, Orion, Lyre, Aquila the Eagle, Deneb the Swan, Andromeda, The Twins Castor and Pollux. To name a few. The best book for learning the Stars is by the Curious George Books author, H.A. Rey. It is called The Stars A New Way to See Them. It has lots of good science and technical stuff, but is written for the layman and very accessible and the charts/maps are great! I highly recommend it.
The best thing about the trip though was that it was just Joe and I. We took our first river trip in 1992 and it has taken us this long to ever do a trip with just the two of us! The closest we got to that was the Lodore trip we did in late October in 2004 with just Christa Sadler. I was very sick then with Cushing's and was waiting for surgery in December, but going on that trip was good medicine for me. Going on a river trip with a group of friends and family is a wonderful thing, but it requires a lot more effort and work to organize. Every time a plan is made or changed it requires more effort the larger the group is.  Not so with just two people. We kept it very simple. We cooked and slept on the boat. We took our 18' boat so we had plenty of room.
We got to the put in late Sunday evening the 7th and barely got the boat rigged and in the water by the time we had no light to see by. We slept there at the boat ramp on our boat until 6:30 am, when Joe got up and untied the boat and we cast off. It was still very dark, but just light enough to see shapes. We just lay in our sleeping bag (we have a nice big heavy 0 degree bag that we got for our 30 day winter Grand Canyon trip a few years ago) and waited for the frost and dew to burn off (several hours) before we crawled out and started the stove up for some cocoa and mush water. Joe had to do a few strokes on the oars now and then to avoid a few snags and sandbars. We made 30 miles that day, just floating and rowing, stopping to see a few sites along the way.
On our third day out we hiked up the Green River from the Confluence about a mile to a side canyon that Powell and his men hiked up on their second trip to get a look at the confluence. This little canyon rarely gets hiked, but there was a clearly cairned trail up it to the rim, where it connects with a trail that came over from the Spanish Bottom campsite and up the Spanish Staircase to the rim. We had the delightful pleasure of encountering two other people who had hiked over from that campsite. It was Mike Braden and Ron Smith who had been on our 2002-03 winter Grand Canyon trip with us! We hadn't seen them since then, so it was a sweet reunion. Mike hails from Seattle and Ron from Steamboat Springs, CO. We hiked back down to our boat at the mouth of the confluence and then rowed down to Spanish Bottom to share a campsite with them that evening.
The rapids are never my favorite part of any river trip- I could really live without them. Cataract Canyon in the spring high water runoff is probably scarier that most rapids in the Grand Canyon, but in the summer, fall or winter at this water level, it isn't bad at all. There are rocks to watch for and both Joe and I were very alert as we went through them. We ran through rapid 10 on our 4th day, after hiking up to the rim again from Spanish Bottom and then ran the rest of the rapids the morning of the 5th day. We were all alone, but I knew that if we had problems that Mike and Ron were going to be coming down the pike within a few hours.  We had very clean sweet runs. Thanks Joe!
We saw our friends later in the afternoon as we were stopped so Joe could explore/hike at Clearwater Canyon. They were floating down to Bowdie Canyon where they tied up for the night. We went down to join them and spent the evening visiting until 8 when we all went to bed. Joe and I said our good-byes as we planned to untie our boat when we woke up to pee for the first time, probably around 11 pm.
We were on Lake Powell now, but with the lake levels dropping as they have the last few years, there is current on the lake all the way to the take out for us at Hite. So we cast off into the current under another star-studded night. It was really confusing to try and keep an eye on the constellations as the boat kept spinning around and the canyon walls were constantly changing as well as the stars them selves moving. I finally drifted off back to sleep around 1 am. Joe tied the boat up to some tamarisk trees on shore about 5 am, as he was worried that we might float past our take out at Hite. We untied and started floating around 7 am and lay in our snug bed and watched

the fantastic light show as the morning light played on the canyon walls. We arrived at the take out about 9:30 am and were on the road home by 11 am. We stopped to take a look from the overlook just above the take out.
The only bad thing about the trip was the mammoth sized blisters I incurred on both my heels. I have been diagnosed with Morton's neuromas in my feet (benign tumors that encase a major nerve between the 3rd and 4th toes) and have been using a prescription orthotic for most of this year. It helps, but I haven't been able to walk every day or seriously hike or backpack as those levels of activity keep the nerve too inflamed for comfort, even with the orthotic. It feels like you are stepping on a marble. I investigated surgery, but was scared off by the reviews I read from folks who have had it done and started looking for alternative approaches.
A Dr. in SLC area, Brent A. Jarrett DPM of Theta-Orthotics makes a more aggressive orthotic to treat these neuromas, almost double the average correction and claims great results. I didn't have time to get a pair from him before the trip, so I just combined a Birkenstock type foot bed with my prescription orthotic I have been using to give myself the kind of correction offers. I tried this on some walks around town before we left and it felt great, so I used this combo on all our hikes.  I never felt any pain from my neuromas with all the hiking we did- truly impressive! The snag was that with two foot beds or devices in my boots, my heel wasn't in the place it usually is in my boot, hence the blisters.
I felt hot spots the first day and put bandages on them and just kept going. It wasn't until the third day of climbing up to the canyon rim that they blew wide open and I limped down the trail back to the boat. I was in a lot of pain for a few days, but they are healing up nicely. I have kept them smothered in Mom's Stuff and bandaged. Now, a week later, I can put on my chore boots for a while and I think I will be able to don regular shoes sometime this week. I am hoping that my new orthotics will arrive this coming week!
The hikes were worth it. The views from the top of the canyon were spectacular 360 degrees. It looked like a combination of Coyote Gulch and Goblin Valley mixed together and on steroids! We were floating through the heart of Canyon Lands National Park. I rarely get the urge to want to travel much farther that Utah, Wyoming, Idaho or Arizona as there is so much to see here that I know I will never be able to take it all in. Trips like this one recharges my batteries and feeds my soul.

This is a post from August 21, 2007 that was lost to my archive. I am still learning how to place the photos in the blog etc... so lets hope I can make this work!

This was a trip of a lifetime for me. I have always wanted to go horse packing, but knew enough to realize that I didn't have the tack or the knowledge to strike out on my own. Eric and I have talked about horses on the river trips we have been on and I knew he did horse packing. His favorite place to go is the Wind River Mountain range in WY, which happen to be the headwaters of the Colorado River.

We met Eric through boating and have done many a river trip with he and his family. There are some cross over skills for both boating the canyons and packing with horses and Eric is good at all of it. While in the Grand Canyon on a trip in 2006, we finally hatched a plan for me and another mutual river friend, Christa Sadler to go on a packing trip with he and his wife Janilee in the Winds in the summer of 2007.

I decided early on to ride Eric's horses rather than to try to take my own. He warned me that the trails are too rocky and rugged for barefoot horses like mine and he is right. Mine would probably handle it for a day or two, but with doing 10 to 20 miles each day on granite based trails, I think my horses would have needed protection like shoes or boots. I didn't want to shoe them and I haven't bought boots yet. Also, I know how a new horse or two into a herd or string of horses can cause undo energy or excitement. I didn't want to deal with my horses going packing for their first time along with me doing it for my first time too. It was a wise call.

I thoroughly enjoyed riding Eric's horses. I rode into our base camp on Max, a giant red dun quarter horse gelding who was sure footed and pleasant until he got tired (the last 3 miles out about 17). Then he kind of lumbered like an ox and tossed his head frequently to express his sentiment about the length of the ride.

We rode into the Winds via the Scab Creek drainage. This put us in the middle part of the range. Our base camp was just below the Bonneville lakes, beneath Mt Raid and the Bonneville peaks at about 10,000 feet in elevation. An absolutely a gorgeous camp. There was a large meadow with water running lazily through it for the horses to be picketed out in, a granite rock rise that we set up our kitchen on and soft dirt covered in lush grass for our tents to be struck on. Best of all was the water went through lovely granite pools near our tents that were perfect for bathing in. Christa and I shared a tent. My Australian shepherd Dixon came along and he slept near us.

Janilee and Eric had their own tent, as did Austin, a 17-year-old neighbor of Eric and Janilee. Eric's job in the church right now is being the leader for the boys in the ward that are Austin's age. Eric took all of "his" boys into the Winds just a few weeks before with his Dad and brother Matt along too. Austin was happy to come along again on his horse Frosty, even though he was hanging out with geezers the whole week. A love of horses and the mountains quickly dissolved the generation gap. I was the oldest person on the trip at 51. Eric, Janilee and Christa are all in their early to mid forties.

Eric and Janilee had along their dog Whitney, a wonderful black lab and who knows what else cross. So smart and well behaved, just a great dog. Austin had his handsome Spring Spaniel named Utah along too. Dixon was kind of shy the first day and stuck pretty close to my horse on the ride in, but by the second day he was running up in front of the horses with the other dogs, making raids on the numerous marmot hotels we would pass. They were all good dogs and such a pleasure to be around.

We spent our days riding, seeing spectacular scenery. Eric estimates that we logged close to 100 miles those 6 days we were there. I can't even come close to describing the feeling of being in that mountain range and traveling over it on the back of a horse. I love to hike, but for me, there is something more intimate about traversing the land in communion with this beautiful animal. I feel the earth via their gait. I am in tune with their thoughts by watching their ears and feeling their body's response to stimulus. I send messages back to the horse via a touch of my hand on the crest of their neck, the squeeze of a leg, the shifting of a seat bone in the saddle and my voice. We are traveling together as a pair and also in a group, keenly aware of each other in this magnificent landscape.

I haven't felt as moved by a place since my first Grand Canyon trip. Vast space, rugged granite saw toothed peaks that form the spine of our continent. Quite the opposite of the Grand Canyon, but they both evoke a similar feeling in my soul. I think the fact that both of those trips were longer than just a couple of days made a difference too. Seeing a place like this for a few hours is very different than for a week or two.

The rest of the week I got to ride Spit, short for "Spirit Rider", Eric's personal horse. Spit had gotten a sore spot in the top of his loin from Eric's saddle on the ride in and Eric realized that I could ride well enough and noticed that my little Brazilian saddle was shorter backed than his, and asked if I would mind riding Spit the rest of the week so his back wouldn't get further irritated.

Spit is a 16 hand, lovely, black-bay Arab/Quarter Horse cross, 7 years old. Eric bought him as a yearling. He bucked Eric off so many times as a youngster that other than a few rides this summer by Eric's daughter Cassity, no one else had ridden him. He was a delight to ride. Light and responsive to my cues, he never balked once. He had a floating ground-covering walk (we mostly walked on the trip as the terrain is so rugged). He enjoyed the rides. By the third day I was in tears as we rode ahead of the group the last few miles to camp. I was so blissfully happy riding that horse and in that place. I told Eric later that had been one of the best days of my life.

The next day was traumatic near the end of our ride. We were taking a shortcut over a ridge that would save us many miles in getting back to our camp. It was doable; we had crossed terrain just as rugged that week. Spit and I were in the lead and I asked him to hop over a granite boulder with a split in it,  just like many others we had negotiated. I wasn't worried about it at all. Spit caught his front left foot and stumbled. He went down hard on his front end to his knees. I rolled off to the left onto another granite boulder. Spit struggled to get up but now had his left hind foot caught in the base of the crack in the boulder. His head was twisted around under his shoulder and his muzzle was pinned under a boulder. He looked like a pretzel. He didn't move and his eyes were dull with pain. My first thought was that he had a broken neck and then I saw how that left hind was twisted and wedged. I was sure it was broken. Eric carries a pistol (he has a license to carry a concealed weapon) and I was sure I was going to have to witness him putting down his beloved horse. I felt so terrible. It was one of the worst moments of my life.

But Spit wasn't done yet. While Eric and I were trying to undo the girth, he suddenly twisted up from what looked like certain death and was suddenly back on all four feet, a little bit of blood dripping from his upper lip that had smacked the granite on his way down. Within a second, he was reaching to eat some nearby grass. All was well. I was a little shaken and walked the rest of the way down the ridge, but got back on and rode the last mile into our camp.

His hind foot that had been pinned and so twisted and wedged was fine other than some minor scrapes, which I applied Mom's Stuff to. He hardly had any swelling the next day in that leg. The left front was more swollen, but still he didn't favor it and Eric wanted me to ride him the next day as he felt it would be better to keep it moving that stand around. We gave him two doses of "Bute" or horse aspirin to help with the inflammation during the day. He was wonderful, but I could tell that whenever he had steep downhill work to do he was protecting himself. I decided that on the ride out the next day I would get off and walk down the steepest granite switchbacks, which I did.

Friday night, our last night there, was also memorable. I had noticed Whitney stopping to rest under a bush and whining on the trail home to camp. This was unusual for her. When she got up I immediately noticed that her belly was distended and pointed it out to Eric who agreed. She had a bowl obstruction of some kind. We encouraged her back to camp, but she was miserable and wouldn't eat. Janilee couldn't hear any gut sounds in her belly, not a good sign. She bedded down in the vestibule of Eric and Janilee's tent.

About 9:30 PM a wild thunderstorm hit us. It poured rain and we had deafening thunder & lightning for about an hour. Two strikes seemed to hit right over out camp. It was the night on Bald Mountain! Christa spoke my name about 11 pm . I was asleep. She had heard horse hooves running and could hear a horse whinnying. I sat up and listened and heard it too. She was worried one of them was hurt from the storm, but I could tell from the voice that it was a horse that was panicking about being left behind. I threw on my rain gear and went out with my flashlight. As I passed Eric's tent, he was stumbling out with his flashlight too. We headed out to the meadow to check on the horses.

It turned out that two had been too closely staked to one another that evening and had gotten their lines twisted. They had with their combined efforts pulled both their stakes up and had wandered over to the other end of the meadow, leaving one other horse in their quadrant who was feeling very distressed and all alone. It is a great alarm system. The horses were easy to catch and we soon had everyone safely staked out and happily munching grass.

I asked how Whiteny was doing and Eric said that she had crawled off when the storm had hit us. We started walking around the perimeter of camp with our flashlights looking under every tree and boulder, calling for her. Soon everyone was up and we all looked for about an hour before going back to our tents.I knew she had crawled off to die. It is just what dogs are hard wired to do when they are ill or hurt. We looked for about another hour the next morning before we started to break camp. We never did find her. I am going to paste in what Christa wrote about this experience next. I think she expressed it so well.

"What exactly happened to Whitney we will never know. Obstructed, twisted or perforated intestine probably. But what struck me is how quickly it all happened, and how strangely right her death was. It was the first time in my life I witnessed a creature dying the way she was supposed to: with grace.

I realize my naiveté. People who grow up on farms or ranches have seen this, but I never have. In more than 20 years of wilderness travel and guiding I've seen dead animals and skeletons, fur and piles of feathers left over from a kill. But I've never seen an animal do what it was supposed to do--crawl away and die alone. I've never seen the millennia of evolutionary planning coming together in this one final act. I've grown up in a world of animals hit by cars, put down in vet offices, shot by people, or perhaps dying on a comfortable rug in the living room. Never this wild, primordial event, so full of strange beauty. Undoubtedly there was pain, perhaps fear. But Whitney knew what she needed to do, and instinct showed her the way.

Witnessing the final moments of Whitney's life, I believe that I was seeing grace. Whitney did what she was supposed to do, alone and without complaint. Eric and Janilee lived the day with equal grace. They never asked each other what if?, blamed or tried to figure out how to change an unchangeable past. They searched, they cried and then they accepted the death of their friend. And in the morning, they called out to her in love and friendship, and we rode away.

I think I have come to understand that grace for me is as simple a thing as allowing life to happen as it will, accepting it for all its sorrows and fears, joys and loves, facing the unknown with as much consent as the known. I have sought grace for years without understanding that its presence was all around me, and that all I needed to do was surrender.

Whitney may have been "just" a dog, but for me, she and her family were teachers of the art of living with grace". - Christa Sadler

The ride out last Saturday was uneventful. The horses were incredibly well behaved, even though we were heading home. They were calm and relaxed and a joy to ride. We got to Eric and Janilee's home in Nibley, UT about 9 pm Saturday night. They had to tell their 4 daughters about Whitney. We all cried. We laughed a lot that night too. We stayed up talking with them about our week and theirs with their grandparents. The girls are beautiful, each one unique and lovely.

Right before Christa and I left Sunday morning, Eric and I wandered over to the fence line of his pasture and looked at Spit, grazing contentedly. He was putting his weight on his left front. He was not limping. He was going to be OK. I was so grateful.

On Monday afternoon I called Eric from my home is Spring City about something and he told me that he has just put Spit down. I couldn't believe my ears. I started to weep. He said that Sunday evening when he looked at him out in the pasture he observed Spit limping on that front left. He went to bring him in and noticed a deep gash around the fetlock joint (ankle) of that front left foot. He thinks that he cut it on some old farm machinery that has been in the pasture for years. He called his local vet who came out and cleaned it and wrapped it, but told him that it was out of his league to repair it and that he would have to take him to the equine veterinary specialist clinic in Salt Lake Valley the next morning.

On the initial examination they told him that they thought they could repair Spit with surgery. They thought he had an 80% chance for a good recovery. Eric agreed to the cost of the surgery. Spit was definitely worth it. A few hours later they called him on his phone with bad news. The injury was worse than it appeared once they got inside. Too many severed tendons. He now only had a 20% chance of ever being sound and then he would probably be prone to early arthritis. Eric did the right thing and told them not to bring him out of the anesthesia.

I have shed more than a few tears this week when I think of that horse and how Eric must feel about loosing him. I bonded with him so much in just the few days I rode him. I have ridden a number of horses in my years and he was definitely one of the most memorable and finest.

Thank-you Eric and Janilee for taking me to the Wind Rivers and trusting me with your lovely horses. It was a privilege to go with you. Thank you Spit for letting me grace your strong back and connect with your spirit those days on the trail.

This is a new beginning.

As many of you have noticed, our blogs or journals have been out of touch or unavailable about a month. I think my last entry on our old system was Sept 4, 2007 when I reported the passing of our old dog Kane. Within a day or two of that post we were no longer able to access our website or blogs. It took our Webmaster, Jenny Mauro Hicks a few days to figure out the problem and it was a huge problem, not just for us, but probably thousands of people.

Jenny had purchased server space for our website through a hosting company or broker called Jatol, who buys server space in bulk and passes the savings on in marketing to web designers like Jenny. Anyway, the fellow who owns Jatol hadn't paid his bill with the server for several months, and then he just disappeared, presumably with all the funds he had been paid by people like Jenny over the last several months. Soon the server shut down all of Jatol's sites, including ours. Many have offered to pay the back rent so to speak to get their websites and blogs back up and running, especially in our case to preserve the history of the last 3 years worth of journals, but the Server wouldn't budge. They had a contract with the owner of Jatol, not with anyone else and didn't want to release any of that information because of liability issues.

Jenny had a back up of our website in general although it was not the latest edition, but she was able to get something back up for us fairly soon after disaster struck. She has actually had things set up for us to start new blogs or journals since about Sept 15, but I have just been too overwhelmed and bummed out about loosing all the past entries to think about starting over, but I guess the time has come.

I actually probably have 75% of all my texts for my old entries in a word processor file as I write most of my entries off line so I have access to a good spell check etc... and then I just copy and paste it into the blog format, so I could rebuild many of my prior entries. I will probably do that with some, but probably not all. If there are any of them that any of you especially want to have access to again, let me know. Poor Joe wrote all of his in the blog format, so he has no back up at all. He posted far more frequently that me, and thus lost a lot more than I did.

I have appreciated hearing from those of you who have noticed our journals being MIA. Its nice to know that there are people out there who read it, and have actually missed it besides me. I am absolutely terrible about organizing photo albums or scrap books as writing about the feelings that accompany those photos was always so important and I just never seemed to figure out how to do it, but this journa/blogl has been what I needed to bring that all together. I have really enjoyed writing it for myself and also for the connection I have felt with so many of you in the process.

Almost everyday I think of things I want to write about and I feel a pang of sadness about this situation, but I guess the only way around it is to get writing again. Hopefully you will hear again from me soon with more of what is going on in my life. This is it for tonight. I will have to tackle this a little bit at a time.